Going postal


Slurps.  Burps. Farts. Sniffs.

These are the things that cause mild-mannered office workers to go postal.

It’s not one big episode that precedes the cracking of the veneer.

It’s the slow pressure-cooker build-up over months and months.

It starts as a minor itch between the shoulder blades, spread to a visible wince and slowly gathers momentum like a snowball into an avalanche.

It’s the repetitive “schluuurp” of the world’s largest cup of coffee.

The click-click-click of a pen.

It’s the constant miasma of egg-flavoured fart.

The sniffing of a persistent drop of snot.

The daily microwaving of fish in the office kitchen.

Above all, it is the laugh that stubbornly refuses to be drowned out by loud music. The one that has you abruptly standing up and leaving the office to shelter in the bathroom and silently scream for salvation.

It’s the laugh of the devil as he welcomes you to hell.

It’s the Janice laugh.


Enough with the smiling through the rain

Be true to yourself

This has got to stop

No-one is happy all the time.

It’s like a unicorn on the hot/crazy matrix.

It doesn’t exist.

So, why is it not okay to not be happy some of the time?

Why do we expend so much energy creating completely fake personas to fool everyone else that we’ve got our shit together and our ducks are waddling off in a neat little row.

We post carefully cropped and filtered pics on Instagram of our beautiful baking that don’t show the icing smeared on the counter, or the eggs we broke.

And while we’re judging ourselves to impossible Kardashian standards we somehow believe everyone else has it made.

Spoiler alert. We don’t.

Not even the most perfectly put together person feels like they’ve cracked the secret of adulting.

Without the contouring and team of stylists, the Kardashians probably don’t either.

So, why can’t the rest of us just be real and drop the rigour mortis smile once in a while and just be real?

It’s okay to be depressed.

It’s okay to feel a little lost.

It’s okay to be happy when you are.

It’s not okay to pretend to be when you’re not.

It’s okay to make a change no matter what your age.

It’s okay to be real with your tribe.

That’s what they’re there for.

Just like you’ll be there for them.

Don’t worry about letting them down by not being a bubbly little ray of sunshine.

They’re probably worrying about why they can’t be more like you.

Everyone has a few little rain clouds pissing down on them and the occasional bolt of lightning that splits the sky.

That’s why we’re human.

I asked a Wise Woman Aged 12 what she thinks the most important thing in life to know is.

“Don’t turn yourself into what you think people want you to be. Turn yourself in to someone you want to be.”

I’m 42 and I don’t have the answer to life, the universe and everything, but my daughter is sure helping me out.