Way of the Warrior: Run flat-out into a wall at laser games and knock yourself out in front of all his friends.
Today I face planted.
I’ve never really understood that term until now.
Looking in the mirror I am mildly surprised my face is not flat.
It was not my proudest moment.
It was The Birthday Party today.
The party that has been freaking me out for weeks, months even.
Of all the cakes each child requires I try to make one special cake.
For J it was Doctor Who’s TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimension in Space). A big blue police box.
The reason I do not outsource the cake is pretty simple.
Someone once told me that in Japan there is a saying that equates to, “You can tell the depth of a mother’s love by the content of her child’s lunchbox”.
I may not make award-winning cakes, but they are definitely made with love.
John and Robyn Brukman from Kadies did not make me feel like an amateur on professional heavyweight fight night.
They went out of their way to help me earn the look of wonder on J’s face when he saw The Cake.
They coloured my icing for me, cut out my numbers and waited with utmost patience while the bank and I had a small altercation about my right to access my money.
Without them I would have been certifiably insane by this morning and would have spent the day in lockdown in a mental institute being feed little coloured pills.
In retrospect, perhaps that might have been less painful than what actually transpired.
I am a lazy party parent. I do not like having people invade my home and I do not like cleaning up before and after them.
As a result I seek venues.
We decamped to LaserMaxx for three adrenaline-fraught Daleks versus The Doctors games to the death. In some cases more brutal than others.
The odds were stacked against my team.
Along with the tweens were The Father, a target shooting champion, and three ex-army infantrymen.
On my team I had one of them and thank God for him. We managed one decent win.
In Game 2, I was determined to take out the sniper that was hell-bent on killing me.
I stormed his base.
I hit the base.
And my lights went out and Tweetie Birds sang a sweet serenade only slightly marred by the warm flow of my life’s blood streaming Nigeria Falls like down the lower half of my face.
The physical pain was nothing in comparison to the body blow my pride tried and failed to bear.
I lay down in the foetal position against the wall and begged the earth to stop spinning.
Whereupon I was shot by my child.
Who was actually on my team.
The Husband came to my rescue.
“Are you alright?”
“Well, just lie there, there’s a few minutes left of the game.”
I made the Walk of Shame past the twenty-somethings with pity shining in their eyes.
I got some ice from the bar.
I went and hid in the ladies loo.
Then my phone rang.
A colleague asked me to attend a client meeting with the potential to take my career into the stars.
I explained that my nose felt broken, I had a black eye and my lips look like Angelina Jolie after a silicon injection.
“Dude! Ask them if they have a video. That’s a YouTube moment.”
I hung up.
I stalked over to the chaps behind the counter.
“Is. There. A. Video?”
“Um… Well you know we’ve had way worse,” said A.
“Yup,” said B, “We’ve had like 6 foot guys knock down entire walls and stuff.”
“Is. There. A. Video?”
“Well, everything is recorded.”
“You. Will. Not. Put. That. On. YouTube.”
“No, ma’am,” came a chorus.
Better men than I. I would have that video up there faster than I ran into that wall.
After that the cake paled in comparison. I didn’t even blink an eye as my masterpiece was decimated.
My concussion had caused a massive headache and my ego required some downtime and a call to my mother who was very supportive and tried hard not to laugh at me.
The Father was invited to join the LaserMaxx league.
I was not.
Stoneridge Shopping Center, Shop M4 – Undercover Parking Level, Greenstone Hill,
Kingfisher Shopping Centre, Kingfisher Drive, Fourways