AtoZ: X is for XXX



“Hello, darling”

Lean in.


Or is it…

“Mwah Mwah!”

Or is it…

“Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!”

Is it right cheek first or left?

Right, left, right.

Left, right, left.

Air kissing has its own rules and guidelines and I’m damned if I can figure them out.

However, we have to do it, I’d rather it be airbourne than a full on smackeroo.

In the run up to our elections our politicians seem to eschewing the air kiss for the lip locking, tonsil tickling smooch. It makes my blood run cold. My reaction is in part due to my personal space issues, but those aside, it’s not the kind of relationship I want my politicians engaging in.

jerm-agang-da-donorsWatching middle-aged women smashing their lips together in a weak attempt to create intimacy between opposing political factions is only marginally less embarrassing than watching a white woman toyi-toyi.

If you are not familiar with the toyi-toyi, picture Kylie Minogue twerking and the feeling of skin crawling horror you experience would be akin to that of watching a white woman toyi-toyi. Excruciating.

At least this spate of kissing cousins does a little something to relieve the pall of ennui that lies like a heavy layer of smog over these elections.

Oh, we’ll turn out to put our little X in the box, but with little hope that anything will change. This time next year we’ll have the same bunch of inept politicians and their second cousin’s twice removed best friend pocketing our tax money for nothing in return.

At least, now that we’ve already paid for our President’s R250 million swimming pool, we won’t have that burden to carry in his next term. Unless, of course, he decides he wants it gold-plated instead.





AtoZ: K is for Kakistocracy


I was recently asked to by an international friend to rate my government.

0 being Kiev. I rated South Africa at 2 and then only because we aren’t actually in a state of civil war.

It’s not black and white issue. It’s a basic corruption and totally inefficiency issue.

Nelson Mandela’s government is a rosy memory of the past. Even Thabo Mbeki’s government, arms deal and HIV aside, is starting to good like the good old days of yore.

Every political party and its second cousin’s brother are electioneering like crazy.

I suppose empty promises are par for the course in an election year, but watching even the opposition party, the Democratic Alliance, stoop to such tactics is as much an affront on my intelligence as it is to my sense of morality.

I stood beneath one such poster on my street corner seething with impotent anger.

You cannot promise free tertiary education to every qualifying student. You just can’t. It not even an impossibility, it’s an outright lie.

Firstly, our universities cannot cope with the influx of students, secondly, tertiary education is not a right, but a hard-won privilege and thirdly, who the hell do you expect to pay for that – me?

And guess what? We couldn’t come up with an original idea, so we decided we’d just take the ANC’s “Together we can” positioning and use it as our own. Because we’re creative and innovative and imaginative like that.

We probably even wrote a rationale about how hijacking their line, we’re positioning the DA as the opposition party of choice or some other bullshit like that.

No. it doesn’t seem lazy and trite at all.

It’s a case of vote for anyone as long as isn’t Jacob Zuma. Let’s face it the Cookie Monster could do a better job of managing a country. Regardless, the outcome is a foregone conclusion, but if we can hobble him, just a little, it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

It is embarrassing to see my President making a fool of himself. What does it say about the rest of us?

The man is an international joke, supporting Uganda’s medieval anti-gay laws, having a shower to stop the spread of HIV and trying to convince that his Olympic size swimming pool is in fact a “fire pool” add the e-toll extravaganza and the multitude of wives and we’ve got the plot for an award-winning sitcom.

What we need is someone who can run the country like a business and not a mom and pop store. Someone who will hire the right people with right experience. Like say an MP for Health who is actually a doctor instead of my ex-wife’s second cousin removed’s best friend.

I’m not an idiot. Nepotism and financial coercion in the form of party donations goes on all over the world. I just resent it being so ineptly executed.

When Nelson Mandela died a veritable fountain of conspiracy theories sprung up overnight. If in fact the setting had not been South Africa, but Russia or America, I might have even believed them.

The sad thing is, if our government could pull off a conspiracy of that size I’d actually vote for them, but they couldn’t organize a piss up in a brewery if their very lives depended on it. The only thing they do with any alacrity is line their own pockets and then only in the short-term.

Elsewhere in the world people complain of their politicians diddling their interns, worry about gun laws and green sustainability.

Here, we just worry if the bloody roads will still be there for us to drive to work on.

We don’t see a policeman and wave a friendly how-de-doo. We lower our eyes, change lanes and press the hell out of the accelerator.

We don’t expect our government to actually do anything. We’d be happy if they just didn’t embarrass us.

It’s not like I’m expecting honesty and transparency, but if I’m going to have a government of liars, I’d at least like them to be good liars.


That would work.