Is this your dagger I see before me?

One thing they do not teach in advertising schools

Is how to gladly suffer fools

Of course advertising is my entire life

And I’ll happily cancel my plans for tonight

Don’t worry about my family holiday

I didn’t really want to go anyway

I’m deeply sorry for your pitiful life

But if you take away mine I’ll take yours with a knife

My ass is yours from 9 to 5

After then you take a nose dive

Down my list of high priorities

Right down there with other minorities

The next little rant I think stands true

No matter what type of job you do

There are those, with thanks here to Shakespeare’s vision,

Who can smile and smile and be a villain

Who while seeming friendly are on another track

Just waiting to put a dagger in your back

The sad thing is they lack the courage

To say their piece right to your face

They are quite lacking in social grace

So some today I shall venture down there

And ask this young lady her issues to air

I know we’re heading for a showdown

It might become a bit of a hoedown

But harking back to what I said yesterday

Karma’s a bitch when she’s out to get paid

Am a cynical, control-freak bitch?

I’d rather be Glinda the Good Witch

With sparkly red shiny shoes

With magic powers so I can’t lose

I’d wave my wand and make it so

Like a Star Trek captain off I’d go

Next week I’m off to the sun and the sea

For long sweet cocktails and time for me

My phone will be off on a permanent basis

I’m going to spend the week in stasis

If you’ve got a crisis call 911

Don’t call me, I’ll be on the beach having fun!

I’ve been stuck meetings all day long

If I don’t fall asleep I won’t take a step wrong

I’m tired of hearing the same old thing

I’ll copy and paste your next BIG thing

You want a cherry on the top

A Tangerine, pop pop pop?

I think I’ve reached a critical mass

And lost my cool in this morass

Of crazy briefs with timing lines

Based on a quantum physics guideline

Where all things exist at the exact same time

I’d better shut up if I’d got nothing to add

And smile and nod as if I’ve gone mad

Glad, sad and bad bad bad

It won’t change the world it’s only an ad

I can’t sell things that just aren’t there

I can sell ice to Eskimos, but not empty air

All the creative in the world just won’t cut it

If you don’t have the actual physical product

I’ll tell you what, let’s approach it like this

We’ll put in PowerPoint and then discuss it

Ad bloody nauseam. You write the agenda

I’ll put in the final addenda

So, what we are going to do for PR?

It turns out she hasn’t a clue thus far.

Don’t panic that we’re seeing the client tomorrow

I’m sure there’s some other strat we could borrow

To cover our asses and make her smile

So we can buy ourselves some time.

I love the woman I sit next to

She loud and proud and her name is Tsepho

Here’s her catch-phrase in case you care

“That’s some schizophrenic shit right there!”

It’s almost time to get on the road

If I meet Buddha I’ll let you know

The view from on high

Scott said something this morning off the cuff

His words rang true and were fair enough

“All great work pisses someone off”

They look down their noses and scoff

At anyone else’s thoughts on the matter

It doesn’t do any good to listen to their chatter

The sad truth is that

We listen to their crap

And even though we see through the bluster

We walk away believing we don’t pass muster

AH HA a moment of truth has arrived on the job

The buxom lady admits she’s too much of a snob

To make conversation with those beneath her

There’s no getting around it I have to confer

Her head’s held so high

The world passes her by

And one day she’ll realise it’s past her

As a result of this sad attitude

She has earned my eternal gratitude

For speaking to those she had shunned

I had a tremendous amount of fun

In her eyes that probably means

I have sunk in her high esteem

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh me. Oh my

I’m so upset I just might die!

I’ve heard the funniest thing

Our ECD George is really a King

Let me give you a little background

We had a client in studio jackbooting around

So George walked up with a friendly greeting

And said “You’re the last creative I’ve had the pleasure of meeting”

“Oh no,” said the client, “I don’t belong here”

“I know,” Said George, “now GET OUTTA HERE!”

Rose has fallen amongst the thorns

It’s time to take the bull by the horns

The general consensus is to let Madam run

And watch as she falls flat on her bum

The thing about karma is that it’s a bitch

Eventually it’ll knock you flat with a pitch

Fork. So, we’ll let this one be

And for the moment let the Queen Bee

Do her thing and make some buzz

Give her the space to do what she does

Best. And then at the eleventh hour

We’ll all do ours and reestablish flower power

Marais feels cheated out of something

Because I’ve got in the habit of simply CCing

He needs a more personal touch it seems

And feels I’m coming apart at the seams

When it comes to being what he calls his “work wife”

I think he’s walking upon the thinnest of ice

Just in case Marc peruses this blog

“Work wife” does not mean we go the whole hog

What it boils down to is logistical issues

Making him coffee and passing him tissues

When the rigours of work become too much to bear

And then I send home to his real wife’s tender, loving care

I’d like to mention a good rule of thumb

Calling creatives at lunch is supremely dumb

What do they think traffic is there for

If not to listen to some suit-clad bore?

And don’t start apologizing for interrupting our meal

When you patently don’t feel

Sorry at all you insensitive heel!

Just leave us alone to eat in peace

And my productivity may yet increase

Now, this one poor client service chick

Is about to beaten over the head with a stick

You see there is a creative evolution

From artwork to DTP to client presentation

So, now she sits in an awkward position

As the work is nowhere near completion

I recall that great fundamental saying

about assumption and mothers and fuck-ups

leading to outcomes most dismaying

I think perhaps she needs reminding

Or barring that a bloody good hiding!

It’s getting to that time again

When I start thinking about putting down my pen

And wondering whose going to fetch the kids

And losing interest in BRRR bottle lids

Trying to think about what to have for dinner

If I didn’t eat anything I probably be thinner!

I’m gonna shoot the whole day down!

How best to start a Monday morning

Then by running a tub and jumping in without warning

To a bath filled with melt water from some Artic glacier

You know what? I’m going back to bed, I’ll call you later

There are only two ways this day could go

It could get better or it could just blow

Scott’s making stuff purple ‘cause he can

I’m logging onto to Facebook to find a hit man

I’ve only got access between one and two

Man, oh man, you haven’t got a clue

Just how irritating it can be

When you’re then interrupted by your CD

I’ve got another one of those briefs you know

The type that make you grunt and groan

To write a call to entry for some competition or other

God knows how you enter, ask your mother

You may will a prize of some sort or not

I haven’t a clue, but you’ve missed a full stop

Stop! Stop! Stop! I’m losing my head

I knew I should’ve stayed in bed.

Theo’s had enough, he’s gone home with the flu

Christina should really be doing that too

She lost her MAC – been essentially downgraded

Bitter and twisted she’s feeling quite jaded

Marc sent me a pic of a wee little house

For a sweet little lady and her sweet little spouse

It’s cute – maybe a little bit twee

Not so sure if it’s really me

I get where they’re going and it’s pretty cool

If you toned down the pink and added a pool

It’s a tad overpriced in my estimation

But a nice little spot for a family vacation

Is my meeting tomorrow at 1?

Or Wednesday at 3 when I’m on the run?

It depends who you talk to

If its false or if its true

Well babyshoes, I’m leaving it up to you!

Marais is having a complete breakdown

Approval processes are getting him down

Timing schedules the stuff of nightmares

We don’t have time to start splitting hairs

Just sort something out and get out of here!

I must update you on our proud peacock

Today he got one hell of a shock

You see the company cat has illusions of grandeur

If I spoke cat I might have tried to warn her

That taking on a bird of that size

Is really quite frankly not all that wise

Then again the bird is perfectly dense

And he flew right into the electric fence

Now I’ve written some utterly fabulous rules

If they can’t figure them out they’re a royal bunch of fools

I’ve done my very very best

And now I’m taking a well-earned rest

Having a smoke and a cup of tea

Basically, what I’m saying is… That’s me!

One Armed Bandit

And a fabulous weekend was had by all

In fact you might say we had a ball

Of a time or then you might not if it was your son

Who swallowed a five rand coin for fun

My personal one arm bandit – ChaChing!

Now we stand by the loo listening for a telltale ching

Of money as hits the rim

As you can imagine it’s pretty damn grim

Nicole’s birthday party was fun and games

Forgive me I’m bad at remembering names

Otherwise I relaxed reading Mills and Boon

About handsome men and ladies who swoon

It’s enough to make you weak at the knees-y

Or just really really really queasy

Black & White

Scott is wearing a funny hat today

We’re celebrating Women’s Day

Apparently I was supposed to wear white

So I forgot! It slipped my mind alright?

I also forgot the twenty bucks entrance fee

And I’m wearing all black which looks like some bourgeoisie

Attempt to defy authority

Which it is not!

Christina and I did a quick cash run

Across the road in the bright bright sun

The ATMs have gone on the blink

Run out of money or run out of ink

So I stood in a queue and filled out a form

And waited around which is kinda the norm

In that type of place.

It turns out the drilling in my parking bay

Is transforming it for women’s day

Which is cool but then again not

If it fucks up my parking spot

After all as I have been heard to say

Someone died to give me that parking bay

Women’s Day. Ja, whatever.

I’ve escaped to hang out with the guys and drink beer.

Got a goody bag though filed with free stuff

Fabric softener, tampons and some other fluff

Oh and the best of all a Viagra pen

So you can write with it again and again and again

It was sweet of the gals to arrange this deal

Not all that sure about the woman abuse spiel

A bit depressive for an upbeat day

Basically why I chose to run away

Spookasem

My traffic lady, name of Fee

Has hand lotion that smells of sweet strawberry

It takes me back to days gone by

Of candyfloss and blue blue skies

I have got taller, older and fatter

But a small kid’s feet still pitter patter

Somewhere behind all this blasé talk

Is a girl who would still rather skip than walk

Pea-Duck

I’ve just been crowned the Queen Bee

Scott left a crown on my desk for me

Frank bought me a snack for lunch

Definitely time to have something to munch

Christina ordered pizza, Sarah went on a date

Lunchtime ends at 2, better not be late

The date was apparently no oil painting

But Sarah’s not really complaining

He picked up the tab and let’s face it

In this day and age that’s pretty cool innit?

Theo’s got his work cut out

I knew I heard Dino shout

Marais looks like he could use a mug

Of strong black coffee – he is a bit of a drug

Addict when it comes to caffeine

Without his next hit he gets pretty mean

Then we can go for a smoke in the sun

Watch the peacock make another run

At the ducks. As beautiful as his tail feathers are

He just doesn’t get that a peaduck is just too damn bizarre!

Footnote:

Now my foot’s gone to sleep so I’m limping along

And I have to write some short catchy song

For a website that’s destined to shortly go phut

I really need a big kick in the butt

To stimulate some awesome creative idea

But all I can smell is Bacsa’s pizzeria

Hamsters

I have a new-found consideration

For a wheelbound hamster in perpetual motion

I’ll say the same thing in a different way

The same basic shit on a different day

I’ve given my pencil a lethally sharp tip

So think before you give me some ill-timed lip

I’ve got a new job due for today

Bring out the strait jacket and take me away

“We’re going for Afro-futuristic fun

Think Zulu warrior with a laser gun”

I’m smiling but inwardly praying for luck

And screaming in silence, “What the …!”

I’ve got a new boss – did I tell you that

It’d be cool if he wore a funky hat

Cause that would rhyme. Really it’s just too bad

After his very first week no doubt he thinks we’re all mad

He’s not far wrong if that’s the case

Some asshole is drilling a hole in my parking space

And the noise is driving us up the wall

But its all for one and one for all

A brief just came in and we had a kickstart

No-one could call me a bleeding heart

I have no time for a lack of info

Even to save some poor starving muso

The boss just came by and he’s wearing a hat!

I bet you don’t even believe that

Moo Moo Madness

NASA

A day in the life of Brand Activation

Is like the launch desk at the NASA space station

Everyone talking at the top of their voices

Like a JSE trader making his choices

The tap tap tap of keyboard keys

Great ideas cut off at the knees

The sickly smiles of client service AEs

Do they even know how to put in their briefs?

Each day that we sit here, we silently turn

Into characters from some Harry Potter rerun

I’ve propped up my broom on the back of my chair

My crystal ball’s gone in for repair

Marais thinks he is the creative shit

Cutting down Dino with acerbic wit

Scott’s drawing cartoons of the dumb things we say

Wayne has simply disappeared for the day

Christina’s just become the comeback kid

And Theo’s looking at everyone’s tits

The rest of the country is out on strike

But here we are working all though the night

Marais reckons we motivated by passion and love

It can’t be the cash ‘cause there’s never enough

He just might be right, for I haven’t a clue

Why I write some of the lines that I do

Why we do what we do and we are what we are

We all might be mad when viewed from afar

Have a nice day now, don’t have a cow

Scott’s got some moo moos if you need some to chow

Theo and Dino are boxing clever

I think we’re stuck here forever and ever

A copywriter’s lament

I’m stuck in a mire of stupid rhymes

Keen to avoid insane deadlines

I want to work above the line

Put my feet on the desk and pass the time

Go out for lunch on the company card

Wear a beret that is tres avant garde

Yet here I sit, sit , sit, sit

Today I do not like it, not one little bit

You want some vernacular in that AV script?

Then write it yourself you dumb little shit

But I bite my tongue and taste the blood

The sweat and tears that fall in a flood

One morning soon I shall climb to the roof

And leap into space with my parachute