Who’s Who in the Woo Zoo

I’ve been a good girl.

I’ve drunk my Kool-Aid.

I don’t even like Kool-Aid.

But, there comes a time, when I just can’t swallow it out without it leaving a bitter after taste and a nnngh feeling in the back of my throat.

I need a long cool drink of water, but I’ll settle for using this platform to express my discontent.

Figuring out all the different parts and entities of the spirit realm is like trying to keep up-to-date with your teenager’s love life.

I’m going to try and break this down.

There are 5 realms / groups of entities

Each have their own complicated rules of engagement, colour, frequency (I’m calling this ‘feeling’, because I was expecting a gigahertz reading and was disappointed) and purpose.

From I’ve deduced from the teaching, they all seem to exist for our benefit, which I find a little hard to believe.

Not, as it turns out, the only pill I find hard to follow.

Group 1: Devic Realm

This is all about the Earth and includes spirit animals, elementals (earth, wind, fire, water) and the Fey. Warning – do not just blow out a candle. You can’t use wind energy to devour fire energy. I think you can’t wet it either. So, I guess you just let it burn out?

Colour:             Green

Feeling:            Slow, earthy, dense

Purpose:           To look after the planet and connect us to Mother Earth.

Sideline on the Fey. I did not grow up with Tinkerbell little flower fairies. I was taught about capricious tricksters who steal human babies and trap unwary humans in fairy mounds where they dance until they die.

“Are fairies real?” gasped in wonderment.

“Yes. Yes, they are,” states our exalted leader standing behind the speaker.

“Can you see them?” mounting excitement.

“Yes. There is one behind you right now.”

Cue lots of excited searching the air for Tinkerbell.

And me, mouthing at the teacher, “You went there? Seriously? A fairy behind you?” and laughing.

Sometimes, I think I’m the only person there with a sense of humour.

Group 2: The Guides

You can have up to 9 guides at any point, but you can have less but not more. A line has to be drawn somewhere, or shit is going to get really confusing. You’re assigned a birth guide whose job it is to keep you on the straight and narrow to achieve your life goals. If this guide isn’t au fait with say, calculus, they’ll bring in a math tutor guide to help you pass.

Colour:             Blue

Feeling:            Familial warmth, protectiveness, connection

Purpose:           To make sure you don’t get sidetracked on your path to enlightenment.

Let’s digress… again.

Fate vs Destiny

Destiny is set in stone. These are things you decide to learn before you were born.

Fate is free will. How you want to learn these things is up to you. Hint – be a duck and let the current take you. Do not be a salmon and fight against the current to get fucked and die.

Group 3: Angels

I don’t think I have to explain this lot. Harps, wings, halos, etc.

Colour:             Purple

Feeling:            Emotional, powerful, intense, unconditional love

Purpose:           To help you realise your soul’s purpose and connect with your higher self.  

Angels as a group have a colour (purple), but individual angels have their own colours too. I can hear your jaw dropping here. Don’t ask me, I’m just telling it like I heard it, and anyway, it gets way weirder later on.

Michael:           Blue

Raphael:           Green

Uriel:                Yellow

Chameul:         Pink

Tzadkiel:           Violet

Metatron:         White

Gabrielle:          Orange

It’s not a typo. You see, Archangel Gabriel is a VIP angel. He’s the mouthpiece of God, so he can’t be helping you with your trivial bullshit. So, we get to chat to his sub, Gabrielle, instead.

Oh, and apparently you can use the Archangel Michael as a sort of angelic PA! Really? Not enormously comfortable about asking an Archangel to find me a parking space, but whatever floats your woo boat.

The 9 levels of angels

It sort of works like economics. Bear with me, while I elaborate.

Universal-angelics: These are in descending order of importance: Seraphim, Cherubim and Thrones. They are not concerned with the minutiae of people or countries. They sit around God and discuss galactic angelics over a glass of ambrosia. We’re talking chairpeople of the board.

Macro-angelics: Meet, Dominions, Virtues and Powers. These guys are like executive management and they still don’t care about you, but for the world as a whole. So, global angelic situations, like, say… terrorism.

Micro-angelics: Say hi to Principalities, Archangels and your common-or-garden Angel. These guys do care about you. You can ask them for help with parking spots. However, if getting the perfect parking spot is not in your greater good, you’ll have to double park near the trash.

Group 4: Ascended masters

We’re talking about Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi, Sananda (or Salamander as one of our party kept saying. Salamander LOL!) Kuan-Yin and St Germain (who may or may not be an immortal vampire living in New Orleans).  

Colour: Silver (They twinkle!)

Feeling: Communicative, humanitarian, knowledgeable, healing, vibrant.  

Purpose: To bring about and facilitate change and enlightenment.

Group 5: Deities

This is a generic group of all gods, past and present. So, picture a bunch of Norse Gods having a mug of mead with the Celtic ones while the Greeks and Romans down wine in the corner, and Allah and the Christian God play chess with the universe.

Colour:             Gold and white

Feeling:            Powerful, light, intense.  

Purpose:           To bring about enlightenment and get more worshippers. (Your basic narcissist).  

The bureaucracy of reincarnation

I’m not done. Now, it all comes together in a complicated web of entanglement. I’ll try and draw a diagram.

I know it’s not much help, but I’m going to tell Jeff’s story now and hopefully it will make more sense.

Meet Jeff.

Jeff is dead.

Jeff goes up to the Source (a big data, learning AI), and uploads his life.

Jeff’s life story is added to his file in the Akashic Records (a bloody big admin system slash library. Also, this was moved off-world in 2012 – who knew?).

Anyway, Jeff wants to reincarnate.

Karma checks out his file and decides if he needs to be taught a lesson in consequences from the last time around.

A Guardian Angel and Birth Guide are nominated.

They sit with Jeff and brainstorm 5 things he wants to learn in his new life.

The Council rubber stamps it.

Jeff get reborn as a naked, squirming baby and forgets everything.

And so on, the great circle of life resumes.

Lucky for Jeff, if he totally hates it, he gets 5 get-out-of-jail free cards to call it quits and start over.

Let’s quickly talk about the Council, because they just pop up there, a random group, we haven’t heard of.

This is where stuff gets even more tricky. I have no idea who votes these guys in or how long their tenure is, but only 12 can sit on the council at any given time. Nelson Mandela didn’t even get to chill out on a cloud before he took a seat. This means someone else got tossed. Who? Inquiring minds want to know.

The breaking of the seven seals

Revelations. Remember this? It turns out that there are 7 seals/gateways and that the first one just broken! Last year, in Machu Picchu. Was I made to feel like an idiot living under a rock, because this was news to me?

The rest are scattered around the place – Ayers Rock, Cape Town, the Pyramid of Giza, Glastonbury, Mount Ararat, the Arctic and (you guessed it) the Antarctic. Once all seven are gone, welcome to Armageddon.

(This also explains the freaks who don’t like Cape Town. Apparently, the quartz of Table Mountain is messing with their vibes.)

This is happening because the Source’s database is full, it’s crunched the numbers and figures it’s learned all it can from our puny existence. It wants to reformat and start over.

We don’t want that, because we’ll be erased form the Matrix. So, we’ve got to do something really fantastic to convince it that we’re worth keeping around. No pressure.

Karma is a bitch

All of this predicates that you buy in to the initial hypothesis – that it’s all true. And this is where I stumped my toe on a rock and it hurt, and I jumped up and down, and I swore and I didn’t want to walk anymore.

Wait for it…

Hitler. Yes, that Hitler.

Is…

An…

ANGEL!

What the F&#k Karma?

Apparently, he volunteered to sacrifice his soul for the greater good by coming down to Earth and orchestrating mass genocide to bring about global change. I fail to appreciate how this was in the greater good and I hasten to suggest that any survivor of the concentration camps wouldn’t see this either.

Anyhoo. His accumulation of black, oozing evil karma means that he can’t come back here. Thank God! So, they couldn’t figure out what to do with the psychopathic murderer, so they made him an Angel and stuck him in Angel oblivion where he can’t talk to anyone or do anything except learn the harp. For eternity.

I’d prefer that he burn in agony for every after, but instead he’s in Angelic solitary confinement in what amount to a Danish five-star jail. Bugger that.

All in all

Our teacher is a good guy. I believe that he’s very spiritually aware. I don’t think he’s the Messiah who knows everything about the inner workings of the multiverse. He’s just a guy, living in the world, trying to figure shit out. Just like the rest of us.

It’s a great theory of everything, but I’m more inclined to believe that the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42.

If you can’t pick up that cult reference, I’m sorry you’ve had a deprived life. Maybe you’ll do better next time.

See you on the flip side.

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