How can I embarrass my child? Let me count the ways…

Copyright Derek Hardy
Copyright Derek Hardy

Way of the Warrior: Run flat-out into a wall at laser games and knock yourself out in front of all his friends.

Today I face planted.

I’ve never really understood that term until now.

Looking in the mirror I am mildly surprised my face is not flat.

It was not my proudest moment.


It was The Birthday Party today.

The party that has been freaking me out for weeks, months even.

Doctor Who Tardis Cake and DalekI spent yesterday afternoon making The Cake.

Of all the cakes each child requires I try to make one special cake.

For J it was Doctor Who’s TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimension in Space). A big blue police box.

The reason I do not outsource the cake is pretty simple.

Someone once told me that in Japan there is a saying that equates to, “You can tell the depth of a mother’s love by the content of her child’s lunchbox”.

I may not make award-winning cakes, but they are definitely made with love.

Robyn from Kadies
Robyn from Kadies

The girls at work sent me to Kadies in Fourways for supplies. I am no super baker. I don’t craft masterpieces of cakedom like Cake Boss’s flushing toilet cake.

John and Robyn Brukman from Kadies did not make me feel like an amateur on professional heavyweight fight night.

They went out of their way to help me earn the look of wonder on J’s face when he saw The Cake.

Kadies Heidi and John
Heidi and John from Kadies

They coloured my icing for me, cut out my numbers and waited with utmost patience while the bank and I had a small altercation about my right to access my money.

Without them I would have been certifiably insane by this morning and would have spent the day in lockdown in a mental institute being feed little coloured pills.

In retrospect, perhaps that might have been less painful than what actually transpired.

I am a lazy party parent. I do not like having people invade my home and I do not like cleaning up before and after them.

As a result I seek venues.

This is what I wanted to look like.
This is what I wanted to look like.

We decamped to LaserMaxx for three adrenaline-fraught Daleks versus The Doctors games to the death. In some cases more brutal than others.

The odds were stacked against my team.

Along with the tweens were The Father, a target shooting champion, and three ex-army infantrymen.

On my team I had one of them and thank God for him.  We managed one decent win.

This is what the kids looked like
This is what the kids looked like

In Game 2, I was determined to take out the sniper that was hell-bent on killing me.

I stormed his base.

I hit the base.


Flat out.


This what I ended up feeling like
This what I ended up feeling like

And my lights went out and Tweetie Birds sang a sweet serenade only slightly marred by the warm flow of my life’s blood streaming Nigeria Falls like down the lower half of my face.

The physical pain was nothing in comparison to the body blow my pride tried and failed to bear.

I lay down in the foetal position against the wall and begged the earth to stop spinning.

Whereupon I was shot by my child.

Who was actually on my team.

The Husband came to my rescue.

“Are you alright?”


“Well, just lie there, there’s a few minutes left of the game.”


I made the Walk of Shame past the twenty-somethings with pity shining in their eyes.

This would have been a better look
This would have been a better look

I got some ice from the bar.

I went and hid in the ladies loo.

Then my phone rang.

A colleague asked me to attend a client meeting with the potential to take my career into the stars.

I explained that my nose felt broken, I had a black eye and my lips look like Angelina Jolie after a silicon injection.

His response?

“Dude! Ask them if they have a video. That’s a YouTube moment.”

I hung up.

I stalked over to the chaps behind the counter.

“Is. There. A. Video?”

“Um… Well you know we’ve had way worse,” said A.

“Yup,” said B, “We’ve had like 6 foot guys knock down entire walls and stuff.”

“Is. There. A. Video?”

“Well, everything is recorded.”

“You. Will. Not. Put. That. On. YouTube.”

“No, ma’am,” came a chorus.

Better men than I. I would have that video up there faster than I ran into that wall.

After that the cake paled in comparison. I didn’t even blink an eye as my masterpiece was decimated.

My concussion had caused a massive headache and my ego required some downtime and a call to my mother who was very supportive and tried hard not to laugh at me.

The Father was invited to join the LaserMaxx league.

I was not.


Find LaserMaxx

Stoneridge Shopping Center, Shop M4 – Undercover Parking Level, Greenstone Hill,


Find Kadies

Kingfisher Shopping Centre, Kingfisher Drive, Fourways

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I write because I have to. It is a compulsion. I do it to vent, to laugh and to remember. I blog because it has been so long since I had to write with a pen that my hand would go into cramp if I tried to write a journal.

17 thoughts on “How can I embarrass my child? Let me count the ways…”

  1. The cake looks amazing! I’m not crafty enough to tackle the cake but I’m making my son’s party (granted he is turning 2 and probably won’t remember it) as cool as possible, though also relatively cheap. When he gets older though, definitely planning to outsource it to another venue. Your pictures of the face plant made me LOL (sorry!) though it reminded me of my mom who apparently had a spectacular face plant very recently where she passed out on the floor after having an upset tummy and got nasty rug burn on her face.

    1. Oh to add insult to injury! The problem is that kids never ever forget these moments. I still remember watching my grandmother walk through a plate glass window holding a tray and straight into a hole my dad ws digging in the garden. She broke her leg, but the tray and its contents remained undamaged.

  2. But was the TARDIS cake bigger on the inside? I love the Dalek, that’s a nice touch. I also enjoyed that photo of the last human. I would have felt that way playing laser tag too. You’re a trooper, though. I’m kind of sad there’s no video, but still, you’re a trooper.

  3. Actually laughed aloud (I’m so sorry) and that cake is awesome. My birthday is in October. Can I tempt you into coming to Edinburgh for October? I only have wooden fences, much softer …

    1. Yeah, running head long into walls will be my party thang. Like the girl who always takes her clothes off, but different.Next year October I will be coming over to the rainy isle.

  4. Oh, you poor thing! Now, did you wake up in the middle of the night, crying “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” ?
    So glad you wrote this though after you mentioned it to me the other day! I was looking forward to reading about your Whovian antics.

    1. Thanks! If it had not been for the baking chaps giving me that roll out icing it would have been a Big Blue Disaster. A bit like what my face looks like now. I wonder if I can call in sick on Monday?

      1. We have a holiday on Monday. You can share. I think you should call in and say you’re sick AND ALSO your friend in the USA is having a holiday and so you are celebrating with her at a distance.

      2. I think that is a brilliant idea! Now I understand why one of my friends refused to go into work when she walked into a wall and knocked out her two front teeth. Somethings are just not worth facing when you don’t have to.

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