Men, Women and the Sex Thing

Fat, Forty and Fired by Nigel Marsh is one of my current favourite books. The pearls of wisdom are thrown down in such a way that you are more likely to fall on your bum laughing than by tripping over one of little blighters on the way to the loo in the dark. I have children I know what that’s like – albeit with marbles not molusc gallstones.

One passage that kept me in stitches was about the different ways men and women view sex. This seems to be the root cause of a lot of marital and relationship strife. So, in the spirit of bridging the chasm between the sexes I did some Googling.

Did you know that there are 247 reasons women have sex. Yep, just 247 of them, exactly. They’re not all sweetness and light either. There’s a new book out all about it called Why Women Have Sex by Cindy Meston and David Buss. Sexual attraction, great abs, tight buns and a good sense of humour are way down the list. Higher up are reasons like relieving boredom, keeping the peace, curing a headache and just a quickie thank you for cooking dinner. Pity sex also ranks pretty high. The number one reason we have sex is to, well, orgasm. Just like men really.

The notion of love is number two, but this is murky as it seems to have little to do with emotional commitment and more to do with your smelly armpits.

Love and attraction have less to do with your great sense of humour and double D cup silicone implants and more to do with pure animal magnetism. It’s pheromones and symmetry really. This should help all those singles out there looking for the next big O. Just rule out anyone whose ears are higher up their face than yours.

Love is a tricky one anyway. The book says that women use sex at all stages of the relationship. What we look for in a man is firstly good genes for reproduction and secondly good financial stability, a nice car and the ability to look after the result of the reproduction all the way to college.

We use sex to get a man, keep a man, drive a man away, keep other women away, lure a man away from another woman, get a new car, get a good night’s sleep and lose weight. But give us 15 minutes spare in the day and we’d rather have a nap, a cup of tea or a bath than a quickie. Men responded slightly differently to that question – “Ooh,” they said, “Just enough time for a…” Little head. Big head.

Slightly further back on the evolutionary scale, but only by one or two little genetic markers, female apes have it easy in the dating game. They just bring food to the man of their dreams and fling poo at any other woman stupid enough to encroach on their property. There’s a lot to be said for flinging poo. It is unequivocal, not like the complex machinations of human females.

Another study says that men have a straightforward sex drive, while the female of the species has a libido that is fluid. What the hell does that mean?

The researchers say that a man takes 4 minutes from start to finish. This puts women on the back foot, we need an average of at least 10 minutes of action preceded by 20 minutes of foreplay. Not the Australian version of it either.

Despite all that blather about curvy women being so sexy, it turns out that almost 48% of men would dump their woman if she got fat. Us females are way more forgiving of a little bit extra around the middle, only 20% of us would tell you to take a hike.

It’s a minefield out there. In under 30 minutes I found 3 surveys telling me men need cuddles more than women and 3 others telling me why women need to cuddle and men don’t, it is terribly confusing. I prefer the statistics that tell me at my age sex just gets better over the one that says that only something like 25% of women over 35 ever get busy between the sheets or anywhere else that matter. It turns out that with small children, my chances of great sex are only 14%. That’s not very high. It’s pretty bloody depressing actually. Add that to my working full time and the odd go down to, well… nothing.

Who are these people who measure this stuff? Just let me regress down a branch on the evolutionary tree, swing over to Tarzan and fling some poo. It’s much easier just to do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.

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