The Schmodel and the Tape Measure

In this politically correct and humourless society there are few at whom we can laugh. However unPC it may be, stupid people are not protected by racial, cultural or medical grounds. We are allowed to laugh them, loudly and without fear of reprisal.

My colleague recently began a course in advanced web design. On the first evening she chose her seat perhaps not wisely and has found herself seated for the duration next to a schmodel. This one could not find her bottom if she was given the GPS coordinates and a Garmin.

Lecturer: “Right, now press F5 on the keyboard.”
Schmodel: “Excuse me, Sir? I have a 5 but my keyboard doesn’t have an F5?”
Colleague: “Look closely, now do you see it?”
Schmodel, running her finger over each key slowly, “No.”
Colleague: “Right here, see?”

That was Lecture 1. Last night was Lecture 2. It went like this.

Lecturer: “Now measure 5 cm.”
Schmodel to colleague: “Um, how do I measure 5 cm. Do I start from the 0 or the 1?”
Colleague: “Ok. Well, if you start from the 1 how many times does you finger jump to reach 5?”
Schmodel: “Only 4 times.”
Colleague: “Ok. Now start from the 0. How many times does your finger jump?”
Schmodel: “Five! Awesome. So I start from 0.”
Colleague breathing sigh of relief: “Yes.”
Schmodel: “One more thing. Does that only work if you’re measuring 5cm, or does it work it you measure, um, say 6 or 7cm too?”

God help her when she starts having to use code. It is an indictment on our educational system that a 21 year old with every opportunity life has to offer (her folks are not exactly shack dwellers) can reach tertiary education and not know how to measure 5cm. My 5 year old can measure 5cm. My 9 year old can search My Documents, attach a file and email it to me at work without a hitch.

Perhaps she was dropped on her head as child? The thing is, we live in a strange culture where looks count for a great deal. This one can thank the good Lord she is pretty, because if she were as ugly as she is stupid she would be in an institution.

It reminds me of another schmodel experience I once had on a shoot.

Director: “Great, can you just move slightly to the left?”
Schmodel: “Um… I can’t.”
Director: “Why not?”
Schmodel: “I’m right handed.”

The owner of a model agency once explained the situation to me. She said the average female model’s career ends at about 25 and starts at 15. Any mother with a passably pretty daughter sends them off to be the next Naomi Campbell or Kate Moss and schooling takes a backseat. After all they are out there to grab a rich husband not get a PHD.

Now, male models have a much longer career span and most of them model as a way to pay for medical school, law school or some sort of tertiary degree. What this means in short is that there are a great deal of pretty stupid 25 year olds vomited out of the modeling industry each year. God help them. They need it.

PS:This is not an indictment against the modeling industry. I am sure many models are very very clever. Just these two aren’t.

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