Of Mouse, Men and Minutiae

I woke this morning with lead in my limbs and a tsunami in my belly. It seems that whatever plague struck Small boy aged 6 has struck his mother too. Is this how I am repaid for the sleepless nights and outpourings of maternal love? HAH! When at 20:00 last night my phone rang to alert me of my husband’s return to this land. Thank the Lord it heralded the instant return of my children’s health and my demise.


The tooth mouse / fairy (is that a gay tooth mouse?), commonly referred in our household as the Tooth Fairy Mouse (is that a mouse with wings?), anyway he or she as the case may be paid us a visit last night. At long last Small boy aged 6 lost his two front teeth. No, I didn’t sing him that annoying rhyme because it is not Christmas and I am not in the mood. This necessitated a late night visit to the local ATM to withdraw cash to secrete under child’s pillow. Trying to find a tiny tooth under the pillow while not awakening a child is not easy, especially when all three children are on Tooth Fairy Mouse alert.


Nonetheless, in case you are interested, the going rate for two front teeth is R20. I assume it’s the amount that matters not the exchange rate, so if you are in the US it is 20 dollars – I have no idea if the recession has hit the tooth mouse industry, but I think it probably has. Inflation certainly has. When I shedding teeth I got a nice shiny 50c piece.


My dad used to threaten to tie a piece of string around my tooth and slam the door (I tried this and it didn’t work). So, he and I moved on to Plan B. Plan B involved my tooth, some nylon and a brick. The brick was dropped out the window and the tooth was meant to follow it. It almost did, just with the rest of me attached. In the end my dad just had to endure the wiggling. Now I have to endure it, I can honestly say that it tests the limits of parental duty and my maternal desire not to let on when I completely grossed out. I fought against grabbing the pair of pliers (also threatened with by my father) and pulling the thing out myself.


A bombshell has been dropped on me from a dizzying height. I am going to a party tomorrow night and I have to dress up. By that I do not mean in a little black dress a la Coco, but rather as something beginning with A. I could rip a hole in back of my jeans, but I feel this could be too crass although it was suggested by quite a few people. I could wear a black cat suit and stand legs and arms akimbo pretending to be an asterisk. Somehow Abba and Angels just seem like too much effort and I don’t feel like going to a costume hire to don a musty ensemble with the aroma of a million smelly armpits. Ideas please and one’s that I can logistically handle. I even tried browsing through adult stores online in search of sexy angel costumes, but I can’t see myself walking into the Adult World and asking to try one on. I may still resort to this, but Lola Montez is my first stop. At least my husband will be happy.


Astronaut, ant, apostrophe, Aphrodite (now that’s possible and flatters my ego – Roman style toga – is there a Google How To on how to turn a bed sheet into a sexy toga? Must look.) Apparition – also bed sheet, Anakin Skywalker (wrong sex and I preferred him as Vader anyway), apple, avocado, asparagus, Agony Aunt – I like that – how do I dress up as an Agony Aunt? Now Angeline Jolie would be nice, but I’d need Botox and lip collagen, a boob job, 6 extra inches and Brad Pitt. Could I be really lazy and just go as A Slob?


Regardless of the final choice, I have to fetch my beloved offspring from various babysitters afterwards and can’t prance in their parent’s homes like a Playboy Bunny or an avocado. Bugger, maybe I’ll call the AA and hijack a tow truck.


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